


Feelings

by irishblend10



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angels, Demons, F/M, Fluff, Smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-12-11
Updated: 2015-01-09
Packaged: 2018-03-01 01:14:17
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,784
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2754077
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/irishblend10/pseuds/irishblend10
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Author: irishblend10sfanfiction.tumblr.com<br/>Reader Gender: Female<br/>Word Count: 845<br/>Warnings: Cussing, talk of torture</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Feelings Part One

**Author's Note:**

> Smut in future chapters, if I get positive feed back and a desire from readers for them. Doing this for a tumblr request. I hope it's good, the struggle of writing while exhausted!

You had been a demon for about three months now in earth time. In hell, three months was like thirty years. A huge part of you loved being a demon. You did not remember anything about your human life; you felt no emotions. Well, you felt anger and a dark sense of pleasure when you caused those who were irritating you to “disappear”, but otherwise no emotion. Why did you need feelings anyway? What did they do besides get people hurt?   
A small part of you, the part that you always tried to push down and lock away in the darkest recesses of your mind, craved emotion. That part craved feeling human again. To feel alive again would be amazing. It craved the innocent happiness, pure love, and even pain and regret humans felt. However, you were a demon and those things did nothing but make your kind weak.  
In your time of being a demon, you had be recognized as the most efficient torturer. It was a recognition some demons worked eons for and never received. You had gotten it in a matter of 25 hell years. You were a force to be reckoned with and every creature knew it. You spent most of your days screwing with random people for the hell of it and waiting to be called in to torture someone who just failed to break or needed to be broken quickly. Today was one of the days you were called in. It was good you were being called in today. You were bored and when you got bored that voice that craved humanity in your head started talking.   
You disappeared from your current location and reappeared in the King of Hell's throne room. You did not bow. Most demons did, but you could not bring your prideful self to do so. The King had tried to make you bow for a while, but he gave up. You were too stubborn for the King’s tastes, but you did good work, so he let it slide. The King shook his head and sighed as you walked up to him. He briefed you on the information he wanted you to retrieve and sent you about your business.   
You took off your jacket and pulled your hair up in a messy bun as you entered the holding cell of your victim. Today's task was an angel, strung up on a cross. Demons were nothing if not tuned in to irony.   
“What’s your name?” you asked gently, beginning healing his wounds. He was weak due to being in hell for so long and was not going to waste his energy on healing small wounds. It is not as if the torture would kill him anyway.   
“Castiel.” He ground out. “(Y/N)”  
He was all healed and you stared kindly at him. You enjoyed gaining the trust of your victims and seeing hope form in their eyes before you crushed it. “Yes?”  
“(Y/N), please…” he said. The way he said your name made the voice in your head scream out. You knew you would have to get going or it might just win. Demons were not to show mercy.  
“You’re begging and we haven’t even started.” You grinned and your eyes flashed black. You knew there was not a lot you could do to him short of killing him, and you still needed the information for the King. You brought out every trick you had and used it against him. Nothing seemed to phase this angel.  
You healed him again, getting his body ready for another round. All of a sudden, he busted free of his restraints and you were knocked backwards. Demons heard the commotion and flooded in. He smote them all with ease. You stared up at him from the floor and he stalked to you. You scrambled backwards and hit a wall. You pushed away the fear crawling under your skin, a feeling you had not had in a long while, and put on your best bitch face. You had nowhere to run and fighting would not do you any good. You waited for death to come as he raised his hand to your forehead. The darkness overtook you.

You woke up tied to a chair sitting in a devil’s trap, with another carved into your wrist. The angel was staring at you intently. To his sides were two other people, humans you realized. One was tall with shaggy hair and the other was shorter with shorter hair.  
“Are you going to torture me?” You asked snarkily. “It would be pointless.”   
“We aren’t going to torture you, (Y/N).” Castiel said.  
“Are you going to kill me? Because if you are I’m getting impatient.”  
“(Y/N), relax. Do you not remember us?” the shorter guy asked.  
“Well, blue eyes over here, was my hellmate for a bit. I must say you look better covered in blood.” You answered. “You two, however, escape my recollections. Why am I here?”  
The angel looked close to tears, “(Y/N)…. My love… I will fix you. I will make you remember.”


	2. Feelings Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Requests for a Part 2 of Feelings  
> Author: irishblend10sfanfiction.tumblr.com  
> Word Count: 1486  
> Warnings: Cussing, not sure if anything else.  
> A/N: Sorry this took so long to get out guys. I really hope you like it.  
> Tumblr Link: http://irishblend10sfanfiction.tumblr.com/post/106746783724/feelings-part-2

“You can’t fix what isn’t broken, Castiel. And what makes you think I’m your ‘love’? Last time I checked, angels and demons got along like lighter fluid and fire. Anyway you go about it, someone ends up in flames.” You sneered. Your words were the complete opposite of what the voice in your head was screaming at you. 

“We should probably get started Cas.” the taller Winchester said.

“Please do.” You said, “I’m getting quite bored and I have souls awaiting my skills.”

“Let’s get to the other side of this, Sam.” The angel sighed. You could tell he was struggling to keep control of his emotions. He was still weak from his time in hell and it was making it harder for him. While this amused you, it made the voice in your head sad.

“Are you sure you want to be in here Cas?” the shorter one said.

“I will not leave her, Dean.”

Dean sighed and shook his head. Sam took the cover off the table sitting near you revealing eight syringes that looked to be filled with blood. Dean grabbed one of them and Cas took it from him.

“I’ll do it.” The angel said. “She is my responsibility.”

You scoffed. A demon the responsibility of an angel? Ha! “This payback, darling? Thought you weren’t going to torture me? Though I’d hardly call this torture.”

“I’m sorry love. I doubt this will be pleasant.” Castiel said. He stuck the needle in the artery in your neck so it would circulate quicker.

You looked at him smugly as the pinprick healed up. “Ow?” you offered sarcastically.

“It’s 9:15.” Sam said.

“We’ll be back at 10:15. Don’t go anywhere.” Dean said.

“Well damn, you just thwarted my plans to visit the Bahamas and sit down with a fruity drink that has an umbrella in it.” You said. Dean shook his head.

“You guys go, I’ll stay here.” Castiel said.

“Cas, that’s nice and all, but I don’t think that’s wise.” Sam said. Castiel looked at him confused.

“You’re a time bomb, Cas. She sees it and will use it against you. We can’t risk you letting her go because you don’t have your emotions under wraps. You’re not strong enough to fight her off right now.” Dean explained.

“I’m not leaving her.” Castiel said.

Dean sighed and sat down against the wall. Sam followed suit.

“Awee, how sweet. That’s what makes you three weak, you know.” You said. The voice in your head asked you ’Don’t you want that? Someone to care that much for you that they won’t leave you no matter what? That they’ll protect you from yourself? You have that in Castiel, just give in.’

They ignored you until the second dose and you ignored the voice in your head. 

“Mind telling me what exactly it is you are doing to me?” you asked Castiel “And why you seem to give a shit about me?”

“On consecrated ground, a dose of purified blood given to a demon once an hour for eight hours will turn the demon human again. If a priest blesses the blood, you’re done at the eighth dose. If the blood is purified by a confession of sins, you have to slit your palm, put it over the demons mouth and perform a modified exorcism after the eighth dose is given. The demon side of you is still in control up to the fourth dose, the sixth dose is when we will start to see a visible change in you. You’re getting blood that’s been blessed by a priest.” Sam answered.

“Thank you, Castiel, you suddenly got really tall.” You sassed. “Doesn’t answer my other question.”

They ignored you again and you were getting so incredibly bored that you began talking with the voice in your head. You growled audibly when it told you it would be winning soon, so you might as well give up now. 

“What?” You asked when they all looked at you. At least now you had their attention. Time to fuck with them. “So Sam, tell me…. Your dick of death happens to be legend amongst demons. Ruby was one to fuck and tell, obviously. Any who, is it really that amazing? I’d love to find out. I may just be the one chick you can fuck who won’t drop dead a week later.”

Castiel shot up and stood over you, gripping your arms and glaring down at you. Fear flashed in your eyes before you quickly masked it with a smugness. Dean was pushing Sam out of the room and then he began to work on pulling Cas off of you. 

“Yes, dear?” You asked sweetly. “May I help you?”

“Your are mine” the angel growled at you. 

Dean finally got him off you. “Cas, man. Go upstairs and cool off. I’ll stay with her.”

“I’ll be back.” Cas said. Dean nodded. 

“I must say, jealously becomes you, angel.” You called after him laughing.

“Cas may be against this, but I am not.” Dean said and slapped a piece of duct tape over your mouth, before giving you the third dose.  
~ ~ ~  
After the fourth dose, you were unable to silence the voice in your head. You had a killer headache and your felt as if you were being bitten all over by ants. You could feel every little thing in your body changing back to human and it hurt. You began fidgeting in your chair. Dean gave you the fifth dose just as Castiel came back in and took the duct tape off your mouth. You stayed quiet. You didn’t trust the voice in your head not to do the talking instead of you. Snippets of memories with the boys began coming through. Memories of the three of you sitting at bars and laughing, of hunts, and of all the times you had to patch them up. You tried to shove them off as fake. They couldn’t be real. Real or not, though, they got the voice in your head going hard.

‘Don’t you want that back?’ it said.

‘I can’t have back what isn’t real and never happened!’ you replied silently.

‘Please, you know it was real, and you crave it. The only thing that has you hanging on to the demonism is your hidden need for power. What good is power if you won’t do good with it? Hmm?” The voice was getting smug now. It knew it was only a matter of time before it became your voice. “Just wait until the memories with Castiel come back in. You’ll definitely need it then.”

“No! SHUT UP” You screamed aloud at the voice. “Just fucking stop.” 

You were given the sixth dose and the angel stayed near you stroking your arm. You allowed him to with no complaint. Mainly because you were too busy arguing with yourself. Every once in a while, you would have an audible outburst during your arguing. By the seventh dose, you were covered in a sheen of sweat. Memories of you and Castiel broke through your consciousness. Again, just little snippets. The snippets had tears forming at your eyes. What had you done to the man who showed you this much love in your human life? How could you have tortured him like you had?

The two sides of you were in a full out brawl in your head now. You thought your head might rip in two. You wanted to take the humanity that was being offered, but the thought of the power and the invincibility that came with being a demon were holding you back. 

“Please, Castiel.” You begged. “Make it stop, it hurts!” Tears filled your eyes. You had no right to ask him to help you, but you knew he would. He set you free and held you on the floor. Sam and Dean stood guard near you, in case you tried to make a run for it.

“Last one, love.” Castiel said stroking your hair. “Last one and you’re you again. You’re my (Y/N) again.” His grip on your tightened.

You were given the final dose in his lap and a white light consumed your mind. All your memories crashed down on you in their entirety. You buried your face in Cas’s neck and cried. He stroked your hair and “Shhh”ed you while rocking you in his lap. It was your favourite way to be comforted by him. You felt overcome with shame. After all the evil things you had done, your friends and your lover still felt you deserved saving. What could you ever say or do that would make this better? What would make this alright?

“Castiel?” You whispered” I- I’m...”

“I love you.” He said into your hair and a fresh wave of tears rolled down your face.

‘We are soooo fucked when Crowley finds out’ A new voice in your head said.


	3. Part Three: The Back Story

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Request: I had a request for a part three giving the back-story of how the reader became a demon.  
> Author: irishblend10sfanfiction.tumblr.com  
> Reader Gender: Female  
> Word Count: 1446  
> Warnings: Major Character “Death”, Reader feeling really crappy and weak, torture (kinda)  
> Tumblr Link: http://irishblend10sfanfiction.tumblr.com/post/107581049119/feelings-part-three-the-back-story

One Year Earlier:

“I’m sorry, guys.” You said. “I tried, I just can’t do it. I know I should be able to and I want to. I just…” 

“It’s alright, (Y/N). No one got hurt. You can just stick with research and we will handle the killing.” Sam said.

“I just feel so useless only doing research.” You answered. 

The guys had taken you out on your first hunt today. You were great in a training situation, but when it came to the real deal, you froze. You would have died if Dean had not stepped in. It was a simple case; hell the guy was already dead. Still you choked when the fit hit the shan. They both assured you it was okay. That some people just weren’t in the whole killing scene. Since no one had gotten hurt, there was no harm, no foul. Still, it ate at you. Someone could have died because you were too weak to do anything but stare at the monster coming at you.

That night you laid in your bed and let the tears that you had kept back all day spill. Your boyfriend immediately popped in, his only announcement a flutter of wings. 

“What’s wrong, my love?” Castiel asked. You jumped from your bed and jumped into his arms. He brought you back to your bed and sat down holding you and stroking your hair.

“I feel so weak and useless, Cas. The guys took me on a hunt today and I choked. Everyone’s fine, but what if they weren’t? It would be my fault. I just can’t do it. Where everyone else sees evil, I see a creature in need of fixing. I can’t believe creatures can be inherently evil. I can’t believe they are born evil. So if something triggers the evil, there must be something that can untrigger it, right?”

He smiled and looked down.

“What?” you whined feeling stupid.

“This is why I love you. I’ve been around a long time, (Y/N). It seems all I have seen is evil and death. It’s a constant battle that I don’t think will ever be won. Your optimism and faith is rejuvenating. So many people are cold and calloused. You’re warm, kindhearted, inviting. You can see the good in everything, even where there is none. Don’t ever feel weak for that. It is so much easier to believe that all evil things deserve death. Killing is easy. Feeling and caring, that is hard.” He said kissing you. He stood up and sat you on your feet, taking your hand. “Come on.”

“Where are we going?” you asked.

“To celebrate life with the few people in the world who still think like you.” He answered and zapped you two away.

After a momentary dizzy feeling, you found yourself on a beach surrounded by people dancing and laughing. This place was full of people who were high on life. No one was drinking or acting sexual to have a good time; it was like watching a group of children playing. You did not know places like this existed, let alone that Cas did. The two of you partook in the merriment. You saw a side of Cas you did not know he had. He was whimsical and childlike. An atmosphere of pure unbridled happiness and safety consumed you.   
For once, the world was perfect and serene.

The two of you finally broke away from the group and made your way down the boardwalk. You drug Cas in between two buildings and pulled his face to yours giggling. In the midst of your high-on-life make out session (that was not sexual, just a way to feel more connected), a demon had snuck up on the two of you and grabbed Castiel’s angel blade from his side. The demon shoved the blade through Castiel’s heart before either of the two of you noticed. The safe atmosphere faded quickly as you felt Cas stiffen in your arms. The two of you had relaxed and gotten complacent. Now, Castiel was paying for it. You held him as he slid to the ground. He reached behind himself and pulled out the blade before he hit the ground. Everything seemed to move in slow motion and all at once from that moment on. The demon danced away cackling and singing about how he had killed your angel. With a blood-curdling shriek, you grabbed Castiel’s angel blade and threw it at the demon with deadly accuracy and strength. It went through the demons skull and he fell to the ground in an orange glow. You dropped down beside your dead love, held him tightly to you, and stroked his hair. You held him and cried for what felt like hours. Your brain was too muddled by grief for you to think. When it cleared enough for you to think a little, you called for the only person you could think of that could possibly help.

“Crowley!!” you cried out. “Crowley, PLEASE!!!!”

You waited and waited but he did not come. Your head fell to Castiel’s as a fresh wave of sobs wracked your body.

“You rang?” Crowley said, finally deciding to show. “Awe, is the angel dead?”

“I will give you anything to bring him back to me.” You said between sobs.

“Now, why would I reverse one of the best things that ever happened to me? With him out of the way, I have a better chance of beating those denim clad nightmares.”

“Please,” you begged. “I don’t want ten years. Hell, I don’t want five minutes. I want him alive. I want him back.”

“You’ll never see him again if I bring him back.”

“I don’t care.”

“Fine. I will only do this because it will destroy him to know his little human is being tortured in hell because of him, more than death ever could. Not to mention, having a soul as bright as yours to corrupt will be fun. Who knows, one day you may be just as dark as me.” Crowley kissed you to seal the deal and then smiled smugly at you. “Oh, and by the way. He was never dead. When angels die, there is a white explosion and the outline of their wings burns into the ground. He just needed some time to recover. All I’ve done is expedite it.”

Castiel woke up just in time to see Crowley disappear as his hellhounds tore into your body.

And so your time in hell began. For 90 hell years (nine Earth months), you were tortured incessantly. Your skin was ripped away from the muscle and the muscle away from the bone, just to be returned to your body for it to happen all over again. Other unspeakable evils befell you as well. You could not bring yourself to call for Castiel to help you. Not that he could. He did not have the strength to run a raid on hell anymore. You did not deserve to be saved anyway. Still, it was the thought of him that kept you somewhat sane. He was what kept you from giving in to the offer that you were given every night. If you were to start torturing, you would no longer be tortured.

One day, you were graced with a visit from the king himself. “Why haven’t you given in yet?” He asked. “Why do you hang on to something you will never have again? I know hanging on to the thoughts of him hurt you more than any torture ever could. Why don’t you let go? Stop feeling all that pain.”

You knew he was not saying this because he cared about your pain. He thrived off people’s pain. He was playing you. He wanted to turn you in to something you were not so he could use you against Castiel. Knowing all this, you were still tempted by his offer. You wanted to stop hurting. 

“If I do this… If I let you turn me into a...” you began

“Go on.” He grinned

“I want you to wipe my memory first. I don’t want any memory of him or any of my human life once I am a demon. I don’t want to remember betraying him like this simply because I can’t take it anymore.”

He seemed to ponder this for a moment. He realized that you forgetting the angel would add another dynamic to the blow he was giving Castiel. He agreed and kissed you to seal the deal. When he pulled away, you were no longer tied up for torture.

“This had better destroy that angel.” He said.

“What angel?” You asked, your eyes flashing black.


End file.
